Monthly Archives: January 2011

Seven Steps to Effectively Screening a Pal

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Posted by Anne on January 28, 2011 – 5:50 pm
Filed under Parenting

Choosing a Pal for your children is a process that should be organized and performed carefully, to ensure you find someone who can be trusted, will contribute significantly to the development of your child and integrate well into your family.

The step-by-step process below will help you make an informed decision and choose the best possible Pal for your kids, ensuring their well being and safety.

1. Define requirements and expectations. The first part of the hiring process is to define your exact requirements and expectations. Ask yourself questions and build a list of all requirements, then narrow it down to the most important ones. Are you looking for a full-time or part-time position? Does he or she need to be flexible with over-time? Are you looking for a young, outgoing and energetic Pal or do your teens require an older and more authoritative person?  What activities are you looking for?

2. Interview. Once you know what you expect, you can start interviewing the Palz. The interviews should be structured with a standard set of questions that are asked of all candidates. This makes it easier to evaluate and compare the candidates and to ensure that all critical topics are indeed covered.

The phone interview. In order to save time and effort, it is recommended to start with a phone interview. First explain the requirements of the job and the duties it includes. Ask about past experience with similar age groups, the motivation for choosing this sort of profession, the reasons for leaving the previous place of employment, future plans, other responsibilities which may affect the job and any other questions you consider important at this stage. Also ask Palz for phone numbers of references. If satisfied with the responses, invite the Pal for a video interview.

Through the video interview it is time to find out as much as possible about the Pal as well as provide her with all necessary information to allow her to decide whether she indeed wants the job. Discuss your teen’s personality and routines, review the various duties and explain also the house rules concerning issues such as smoking, visitors, phone use, etc.  Describe certain scenarios and ask the Pal to explain how she would act in such situations. At some stage of the interview let your teen meet the nanny and allow time to observe the interaction between them. Children make it clear when they don’t like someone. Trust your instincts and those of your child.

3. Perform a personality and risk assessment. Once you are satisfied with the interview results, continue and perform a personality and risk assessment of the potential Pal. A personality and risk assessment is a psychological test that will help you assess potential caregivers by providing a better insight into their personality and traits, as well as an assessment of possible risk factors.

4. Check references. Checking references with previous employers and acquaintances is a sort of interview as well. Expect the previous employer to give you a good reference, but try to read between the lines and ask questions that require a detailed answer and may reveal underlining issues. Such questions may be about what has the previous employer liked and disliked about the Pal, why has she left her position, and whether would she be rehired by the same employer. Pay attention also to the tone of the responses. Is the previous employer excited about the Pal? Is he just being polite or does he really care about helping the Pal to get a new job? Any red flags or problematic issues identified during steps 2 and 3 should be used to focus your inquiries and be validated or clarified during the reference check stage.

5. Follow-up interviews. If needed, interview the Pal again to discuss and clarify any concerns you have following steps 3 and 4.

6. Run a background check. The next step in the process is running a background check on the Pal. Use a reputable background-screening agency to verify identity, past employment and education and search for criminal records, driving records and more.

7. Spend time with the Pal on a trial period. Before making a final decision, ask the Pal to spend an hour or two with you and your kids, on a paid trail period. This period shouldn’t be too long to avoid confusing the kids but it will allow you to see how the Pal interacts with the kids and performs her various tasks.

Tips

• Never choose the first candidate you like and interview several potential Palz. To make an informed decision you need several points of comparison.

• Remember that a great personality does not necessarily translate into a good childcare professional. You aren’t just getting a playmate for your teen, but also someone who will safeguard their well-being.

• 80% of the US Fortune 500 companies and 75% of the UK Times 100 companies use psychological tests to choose their employees. If companies do it, parents definitely should do it when choosing the most important employee of all, the one taking care of their teens.

• To make the most-informed decision use all available screening tools: interviews, references, personality assessments and background screening. Yet, trust also your (and your kid’s) intuition, which is as important and useful as any other tool. If you feel something isn’t right with a potential Pal, just move on to the next one.

Warnings

• Most recruitment specialists agree that the validity of interviews is quite low, even when conducted by trained professionals. Interviews often fail to reveal important facts or problematic personality traits, and their predictive value is limited.

• Parents are usually not trained interviewers; lacking the necessary experience to properly formulate interview questions, read between the lines of what the applicant says, interpret non-verbal signs and body language, etc. This is why using professional tools such as personality and risk assessments are crucial to enhance the effectiveness of the screening process.

• References are highly subjective and in some cases past employers may even prefer, for various reasons, to omit certain details which may harm the candidate in his search for a new position.

• The accuracy of the various databases searched through background screening may be limited for various reasons. More than that, having, for example, a clean criminal record means a person has never been convicted of such activity but does not necessarily indicate that a person has never been involved in criminal activity or has a tendency to do so.

Written by Yossi Pinkas, founder of Take-Care, a premium personality assessment agency utilized worldwide by parents who want the peace of mind that comes with conducting thorough research on caregivers for their kids. For more information visit www.take-care.me.

Do You Need More Hours in Your Day?

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Posted by Anne on January 27, 2011 – 4:54 pm
Filed under Moms

Is your life balanced? What does that mean? Do you often say, “There are not enough hours in a day” or “I just wish I had more time”? If you have answered yes, then this may be a sign that your life is out of balance. How do you find balance in your life? The symptoms of being out of balance are feeling rushed, hurried and anxious as you take on the daily events. When we are out of balance, we find it difficult to enjoy life.

Many times poor scheduling dictates the quality our lives. Instead, we need to build a life that reflects our values and priorities. I do believe that it is possible to have it all in a lifetime, but not necessarily at the same time. What are your obligations and responsibilities? Balancing our lives comes in many different sizes. For one parent finding balance might mean increasing the ability to let others help out, delegating tasks to others or perhaps finding services that can ease day to day responsibilities, such as a pick-up and drop-off laundry service. For another, family balance might mean identifying ways to coordinate the challenges of work with the demands of finding quality family time.

As for me, balance means living a life in accordance with my values. It means making time every day for solitude, family and my personal passion. By prioritizing my time according to the things that I value, I create a life that is abundant. Because I am clear about what I value, my priorities are my litmus test for what I should do next. Balance to me means that I create opportunities to delegate the unnecessary and purge the ridiculous. What about you? When are you at balance? As parents, it is very easy to become so busy that you forget to hone in and consider what is most important.

Here are my seven strategies on balancing your life:

1. Delegate. Create a weekly meeting with your family to discuss household responsibilities. During this time, review household responsibilities and delegate age-appropriate chores. Hold the meeting during the same time each week, and review what is working and what is not. For children under the age of 10 years, provide a goal chart so they can check off each task for accountability.

2. Consider outsourcing. The laundry, grocery shopping (there a many grocery stores that deliver) or basic yard work can be outsourced to create more opportunities for quality time.

3. Plan your life. If you want to have days filled with less anxiety, you are going to need to plan in advance the activities of the family, work and other significant items. Planning allows us the necessary time to adjust and be proactive about the choices in our lives. This reduces stress and anxiety.

4. Eliminate what is not working. Look at ways you can add time to your days. What can you live without? Do the children have to go to gymnastics this semester if you have a particularly heavy workload this quarter? Be reasonable.

5. Seek quality not quantity. Identify five activities that you enjoy that take very little effort. Incorporate a movie night on Fridays. Have the movie delivered to your door, add some popcorn and a pizza. This is a wonderful way to have both a quality family event and add no additional stress to your days.

6. Give yourself a break. Be reasonable. Are you trying to work all day, come home to make dinner, clean the dishes, get baths going, read nighttime stories , clean the house and pay the bills in the evening? Ask yourself, is it possible to accomplish any of these items another day?

7. Exercise. It’s a great way to reduce stress. Take a walk with your family three times a week for 20 minutes.

Mia Redrick, Mom Strategist is a mom of three, author and speaker empowering one million mothers to practice better self-care. Redrick is the author of Time for mom-Me: 5 Essential Strategies for A Mother’s Self-Care. For tips from The Mom Strategist visit www.findingdefinitions.com.

How to Get Your Teen to Talk

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Posted by Anne on January 25, 2011 – 7:45 pm
Filed under Parenting

Parents often ask me how to get their children/teens to confide in them. Here are a few “starting” suggestions.

First, think like teens. When I do workshops with teens, I ask if they talk to their parents. Most groan and roll their eyes. I ask them to list their reasons for not wanting to talk. Here is one list, exactly as they wrote it:

•                Afraid will use against us.

•                Don’t want them to get mad at me for what I feel or did.

•                If we open up, they will interrupt us and preach.

•                Keep bringing up the past.

•                They try to make us learn from their mistakes, instead of letting us learn from our own.

Whether parents actually do any of these does not matter as much as the fact that many teens believe their parents will — so they don’t risk opening up.

So Rule #1 is to listen to the small stuff. This is how teens test whether they can trust parents with the big stuff. Put down what you are doing and give your full attention. Be present, really listen and, at least, nod your head.

Then — this is the important thing most of us don’t do — summarize what they told you and how you think they might be feeling about it. Do not give advice or ask “How does that make you feel?” Teens usually think, “Well if you’d been listening it would be obvious!” In words that are authentic to you, say something like, “You sound (feeling) because (summarize what) happened.”

If they think you don’t understand, they’ll clam up. If you show you are trying to understand but are off-base, they’ll often clarify by sharing more. If you are on the money, they’ll usually keep talking.

Now comes the tricky part. When teens open up, they may tell us things we don’t want to hear. We often shut down communication by getting upset, telling them what to do, or minimizing their issues by saying, “It’s not a big deal. Don’t let it get to you. Let it go.” It sounds so wise, but to teens their issues are a big deal and they don’t have much experience in “letting go.”

Parents, we must realize that if we invite our children to open up, we have to be ready to handle whatever comes out — and learn how to bite our tongues and not jump in. So what can we do?

The number-one most important skill all parents need to learn is how to ask helpful questions. I’m not talking about fact-finding questions that “grill” teens, but questions that “put the ball in the child’s court” and help children think for themselves. Here is an example:

Teen says: “Joey is such a jerk!”

Typical response: “That’s not a nice!”

Effective response: “Wow, you sound mad at Joey. What did he do?”

Teen says: “He called me a —— in front of my friends!”

Typical response: “Well don’t let it bother you.”

Effective response: “Jeez, that was hurtful and humiliating! What did you do?”

Listen – without judging. Decide if he needs to (a) just blow off steam or (b) find a solution. If (b), ask “So what can you do?” Listen to your child’s ideas, ask “what would happen if you did that?” and let them decide what to try. If they suggest an unhelpful idea, keep asking, “Then what would happen?” or ask a question that helps them think about something you think they need to consider.

Finally, remember three important points:

1.             The quality of the child’s solution is not as important as the process by which the child reached it.

2.             The only way children will learn to solve their own problems is with practice. Parents can be supportive and helpful by guiding their children/teens through this process without taking over.

3.             Some people are internal problem solvers. Encourage them to write down their feelings and ideas.

Jody is a featured expert for www.teenpalz.com. Get more information from Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE, second-generation parent educator, president of Parent’s Toolshop® Consulting, parenting expert to the media worldwide, and author of 100+ practical parenting resources, including the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop at http://expert.parentstoolshop.com.

Empowering Teens with Problem Solving Skills

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Posted by Anne on January 24, 2011 – 6:55 pm
Filed under Teens

Being a teenager today is risky business. Among the risks are alcohol and drug dependency, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and violence. The reality of the lives of youth in our country are evidenced in statistics such as:

  • The firearm homicide rate for ten to fourteen-year olds more than doubled between 1985 and 1992 (Carnegie, 1995).
  • From 1980 to 1992, the rate of suicide among young adolescents increased 120 percent (Carnegie, 1995).
  • One in 15 teenagers say they currently use both alcohol and illegal drugs (Children’s Defense Fund, 1991)
  • Almost 1.8 million teens were victims of violent crimes in 1988, and 3.2 million were victims of theft (Children’s Defense Fund, 1991).

The problems facing youth are so immense and as a result many adults throw up their hands in frustration.  Answers to many complex societal problems are costly, but professionals are working diligently to discover solutions. In response to glaring statistics, politicians and others are calling upon families and community organizations to address human values.

Levels of stress

The level of stress is different for youth today. Their stress is a picture of life or death viewed through an incomplete developmental lens. Reality for children is different from reality for adults. There are major concerns today that were not present in generations past. Children are exposed to adult decisions at earlier stages in their lives (Elkind, 1994).

Youth views are not only affected by an incomplete cognitive understanding, but also the context of the environment comprised of individuals living, working, and surviving in neighborhoods and communities. Multiple community systems interact either to create a violent unsafe setting or to form safety nets to build resiliency.

Community organizations offer services but often fail to interact efficiently; instead forming barriers in a segmented system that does not adequately serve families Thus families and youth are faced with complex decisions just to meet their basic needs.

Relationships

In addition to building resource safety nets, professionals must realize that the development of human potential requires more that simple policies and practices. Youth need time with caring adults who can assist youth in exploring their own developing sense of right and wrong, good and evil.

Adults, including teachers, parents, and policy makers, can’t assume that children will learn their sense of values from the school, at home, or in youth groups. Collectively adults must provide multiple opportunities for youth to exercise their developing sense of caring. Understanding ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ ‘good’ and ‘evil’ – is developed out of a foundation of caring relationships.

Everyone wants to be accepted and to elicit a response. Youth join clubs, groups and even gangs to elicit a response and to fulfill their need for acceptance during their adolescent search for identity and affiliation (Elkind, 1984). Experiencing full receptivity, one of another, develops caring relationships. The act of caring is a dynamic encounter, brief or long term. Loving, trusting, caring, and developing relationships play central roles in ethics and moral education (Noddings, 1992).

Three components of care

From the perspective the work of Nel Noddings (1992), the development of caring has three substantial components.

1. The first component is modeling which remains one of the strongest teaching methods. As adults model caring behaviors, young children and others learn this trait. When parents exempt themselves from rules expected of their children, they create confusion and often rebellion.

2. In addition to modeling, youth need to be presented with opportunities for dialogue about their concerns with each other and with caring adults. This allows youth to explore developing feelings, and challenges individuals with higher order thinking and subsequent action. By definition, dialogue is open-ended with neither party knowing the outcome of the dialogue from the outset. Dialogue is practice in receiving others, while attending fully and openly. Through dialogue, there is a common search for understanding, empathy, and appreciation.

It can be playful, serious, imaginative, or goal oriented (Noddings, 1992). Dialogue provides the opportunity to question why. It connects us to each other. It is the foundation for caring. When youth have had the chance to practice making wise decisions in safe situations, they are better prepared for real life higher risk situations. Many times they may not realize the reason for what appears to be a socially accepted behavior among their peers.

Empowering youth with problem solving skills is one factor that contributes to resiliency (Bogenschneider, Small, Riley, 1990). Problem solving through dialogue is an area in which schools rarely recognize achievement or give credit. Many schools spend more time on fact-based drill than on life-sized problem solving situations.

3. The third component of the framework of caring is confirmation. Confirmation is encouraging the best in others. Confirmation involves identifying something admirable and encouraging the development of that trait. This lifts youth toward a vision of hope for the future and a positive view of self. To build from this point, continual trust must ground the confirmation. Caring and engaging in more dialogue with children, particularly adolescents may be one solution. The implicit problems in our schools of large classes and rigid attitudes toward our youth can be shaped through different ways of viewing youth and providing opportunities for youth to think about their developing feelings, explore their sense of values, and develop a repertoire of solutions. Practice in adult caring is a skill that expands the conversation on values and morals. The use of caring is a seemingly easy application but a learned skill.

Bogenschneider, K. Small, S., Riley, D. (1990). An ecological risk-focussed approach for addressing youth-at risk issues. Presentation National Extension Youth at Risk Summit, Washington, DC.

Bronfenbrenner, U. (1979). Ecology of human development. Cambridge: Harvard University Press.

Carnegie Report (1995). Great transitions: Preparing adolescents for a new century. New York: Carnegie Corporation.

Children’s Defence Fund (1991). The adolescent and young adult fact book.

Elkind, D. (1994). Ties that stress. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Elkind,D. (1984). All grown up and no place to go. New York: Addison Wesley.

Kohlberg, L.(1969)1 Stage and sequence: The cognitive-developmental approach to socialisation. In D.A.Goslin (Ed.) Handbook of socialisation theory and research. Chicago: Rand McNally.

Noddings, N. (1992). The challenge to care in schools, New York: Teachers College Press.

Scales, P (1996). Working with young adolescents and their Families: A national survey of Family support workers. Search Institute.

Werner, E.E. (1990). Protective factors and individual resilience. In S.J. Meisels and F. Shonkoff (Eds.) Handbook of Early Childhood Intervention (pp. 97-116). Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press.

By Karen DeBord and Marilyn Gore of the University of North Carolina. For the entire article visit http://www.cyc-net.org/cyc-online/cycol-0600-empowering.html